Lost Little Girl in the Mirror

I never imagined finding myself on a staircase crying… Not just crying… sobbing… How did my life turn out like this! Where did I go wrong…? There must be more to life than sitting on stairs washing walls for the fourth time this week. I am not sure what I am crying about, is it the fact that I am single mum of 2 little monsters or that I am carrying a third in my belly of the man I left more than 8 months ago am I crying about the fact that I am washing the wall or am I crying about the devastating news that my best friend, my partner in crime, my soul mate… my person has been diagnosed with terminal breast cancer for the 3rd time in 5 years… the fact that our dreams and hopes our adventures will be placed on hold that the fact of growing old together is no longer an option…Memories sneaked out of my eyes & rolled down my cheeks. Am I crying about a failed marriage that I feel forced to give another chance due to the unborn child growing in my belly? Sobbing, tears streamed down my face uncontrollable shaking my heart is on fire, I can’t breathe… what happened to that strong independent woman who took on the world and made it her own… Where is she, the girl that always had it all figured out. I needed that girl right now I needed her to pick me up dust me down and say come on girl you got this… I pulled myself up shaking, sobbing hurting still. Made my way to the bathroom to clean this hurt on my face I can’t bear for the little monsters to see me like this. As I lift my face to look in the mirror a lost little girl looked back at me torn to shreds of her broken world. I splashed some water on my face the cold water felt good on my warm face. I starred at the little lost broken girl that was my reflection… And that is when that strong independent woman appeared… I decided to say goodbye to the broken lost little girl in the mirror, she no longer had space in my world! I don’t have any answers and can’t change any of the things I cried so brokenly about, but I can change how I am going to live my life… I don’t want to be the frail scared broken little girl I want to be the fire burning independent woman, I want my world to be my own again… As I stared into that mirror for what felt like hours I picked myself up and glued all my broken pieces, its not a perfect reflection there are stains and cracks that will never fade but these are the stains and cracks that I want to carry with me, this is what made me who I am who I want to be I am proud of these stains; the cracks remind me in the low days that I survived when I thought there was no will to go on. I don’t know for how long I stood in front of that mirror I can’t remember everything that happened in that moment it wasn’t a clarity, it wasn’t a revelation this is the person I have always been, she was just lost for a while… The moments staring into that mirror is what changed my life forever! I needed to be there in that hopeless place, I am grateful for it, it taught me to never let go to never give up no matter how hard or how much it hurts, I will stand my ground and I will fight and even when I can’ t anymore, when I have no fight left in me, I will not give up!!! There is more to this life, there is more to my life above all there is more to me. Today I am a PROUD Single Mum of three little monsters, a homeowner and that STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN! Never give up! You know you are strong… When you look at yourself in the mirror begging yourself to just hold on! There is more to YOU!